Spermwatch

With the power of my trusty pink steed we went out hunting and gathering...sperm.

Under the guise of Billy the Geez, I set out at midnight with nothing but a super-soaker set to 'suck' and got ready to vacuum some rich, talentless lucky bastard in the middle of the night.

Which famous and unfortunate gimp was to get the visit tonight was only for me to know. Although All Saints had just re-formed, I suspected that they were perhaps not famous enough to deserve sperm extraction. And after all they are all women.

Take That were back on the scene. There latest song has been making waves. But it wasn't those twats either.

With the suspense growing, the readers were starting to wonder...

"Does even Billy the Geez know who's next?"

Camped outside the BBC studios in Maida Vale, I hid in the shadows with my spunk pump and waited. The DJs had been pushing his crap single all week and trying to promote it so that this kitcsch toned German would shoot to the top of our charts with his crap.

But I wasn't having any of that..

"Jump in my car!?" I yelled as I pounced out of the shadows, my supersoaker aimed firmly at his ballbag "Stand and deliver your spunk Hasslehoff!"

His six pack quivered as he saw the ferocity in my eyes. As I grabbed his trousers and pulled them hard down around his ankles, he was lost for words. The BBC staff stood aghast, wordless with the realisation that the 'Hoff wore a full red Baywatch swimsuit, just like Pammy's under his trousers.

With his cover blown he stood to attention and the supersoaker pulled tightly on his bell end. With explosive force, the 2 litre capacity soaker tank exploded to life.

And Hoff was off.

Another triumphant night for Billy the Geez. Take spunk from the rich to give to the poor...

Amen

The new promotional poster for the legend of Billy

The rise of Jamie Oliver

Watching TV in my ranch recently I noticed TV Chef, Jamie Oliver campaigning and crusading for healthy school dinners for kids. Realising that he was a hero as well as a celebrity I lay in wait outside his house armed with specially-adapted sperm extractor until he emerged.

"Stand and Deliver!" I yelled as he made his way to the local Tesco to buy shellfish. So terrified was the young cockney upstart that he promptly ejaculated all over the instruments set up to collect his celebrity seed.

I guess that's what you call "Chef's Special Ingredient"

I will be distributing the collected loot to the poor next week. So watch your back...

Billy the Geez